I work in child and adolescent mental health as a crisis interventionist and mental health liaison to schools and therapists. In nearly six years of working with children and their families and supports, I’ve met with hundreds of young people and consulted on thousands of cases. 

Working with guardians of children at risk of mental illness, one of the most telltale sentences I hear in my work is, “I just don’t know if this is the right thing.” Over the years of talking with guardians of children who have experienced severe abuse, have attempted suicide, or any other manner of crisis, I have come to hypothesize that the most prominent indicator of parenting quality is doubt. 

What may surprise most caretakers to hear, though, is that I look for and hope guardians will exhibit self-doubt. 

Self-doubt is a disquieting, uncomfortable emotion. To sit in self-doubt, people have to acknowledge that they are pervious, fallible. Questioning my motives and my actions’ outcomes requires examining my values at the risk of finding myself dishonorable, hypocritical, and any other manner of out of line with what I say my values are.  

Living in the absence of self-doubt is an uncomplicated childrearing method, though. Shedding self-doubt enables a caretaker always to hold children at fault while avoiding their own ugly values examination. Foregoing questioning avoids the potential to uncover disturbing motives or consequences. 

So please know that I hear you when you question whether you’re doing the right thing and struggling against the anxiety that you’re doing some horrible damage to your child, and I appreciate you. I appreciate you putting your child’s potential discomfort ahead of yours. I appreciate you confronting the idea that your childrearing is a complicated process to navigate and that, often, there are no easy and obvious answers. 

Please be encouraged by this: while you perceive your self-doubt as clear evidence that you must be failing, those of us who care for children understand your self-doubt to be evidence of your love. We see you and we respect you!

Submitted by Rachel Drosdick-Sigafoos, PA.